As a counselor at a Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Crisis Center, I would often get asked by clients why relationships are so hard? The women I worked with did their very best to make their relationships work. They followed all the advice they got from family, friends, TV talk shows, magazine articles and books but their relationships were still not working. They monitored their behaviors and words but things didn't change. Year after year, they tried so hard! Most often, they felt helpless and defeated. I didn't have, still don't, the answers to that question, but I would tell a story of my experiences that I think was sometimes helpful.
When I was in high school and college I played the violin. I played several instruments but was concertmaster of my high school orchestra and started out as a violin major at Arizona State University. When I played violin solos it was usually for a recital or a try-out of some kind. I tried out for the All-State Orchestra in high school (which I made) and competed for a violin scholarship (which I won) for college. We played for one another in professional musician classes in college and I played my violin for 'special music' a few times at church. How I performed during these recitals and try-outs all depended on my preparation. How much time had I spent in practice? How much time had I spent working on my technique? Always fearful of not doing well and being thought the fool, I generally performed well because I had prepared well. Generally, I felt good about myself as a violinist. When my life took a turn and I gave up seeking a career with the violin, I was able to pursue another interest of mine and I began to show horses. I have always loved horses and began riding while in college. Over 10 years in my 20's and 30's I showed several horses in western, hunter, flat saddle and dressage and had moderate success. I loved the horses and the gear (I love horse gear) but success with horse showing is not the point of the story.
What I learned, and what I hope I conveyed to my clients, is that, no matter how well I prepared, how well I had trained my horse and how I was feeling on the day of the horse show . . . I could never anticipate how my horse was going to be feeling that day. Some days it was hot, some days my mare might be in heat, some days they just didn't want to leave the barn, some days they were spooky. A non-cooperative horse can reduce one to tears in practically no time. A non-sentient violin does not have off days and never 'feels' bad. A violin never decides it doesn't want to cooperate, it never has a different agenda or goal than mine. A violin is never deliberately oppositional, as people can, and sometimes choose, to be. However, success in relationships is never dependent on the preparation or behavior of just one of the participants. Both beings in a relationship, must work in concert, in the same directions, with the same goals, for the relationship to succeed. One person, no matter how skilled, cannot make a relationship succeed without the cooperation of the other.
(When my life changed directions again, and I had the good fortune to find myself in relationships with dogs, I applied what I learned from horses and decided I would never opt to participate in a dog show).